Good things happen when you need them

Just a few uplifting notes from the day as a counterbalance to all the venting.

First, a former student gave me a box of sour patch kids as a present. I don't even know why!

Secondly, a current student, and not one who I thought was very fond of me, made my day. I actually stayed home yesterday with a(n admittedly weak) sore throat and when he saw me in the hall he said "Ms. Blank, you're back!" and gave me a big hug! I said "Wait, I'm still sick!" and he responded "I'll take your sickness." I love my students, I really do!

Oh, P.S. I passed my road test last week! I drove myself in to school this morning. That is definitely one area where I'm doing fine.

Pain shared is pain lessened

Wow, I have been blessed with an abundance of commiseration and words of hope. I've been really touched by everyone's kinds words and advice. This sounds almost sadistic, but what helped the most was hearing that so many of you had been, or are still in, a similar frame of mind sometimes. Realizing that my difficulties are so common makes them seem less insurmountable.

This comment from Jake also really resonated with me:

Unlike the people you mention, the students would not have been enough to get me through. Yes, they're the reason I'm there and I love being around them and helping them discover real learning. But what really keeps me going is honing the craft, because that's what the challenge is for me. Teaching is HARD. Scratch that. GOOD teaching is HARD.

I didn't realize it, but it is the challenge that keeps me going. The long nights are evidence of how hard this is for me, but that's what gives me the potential to feel very proud and successful whenever I'm doing something right. And I have to say, I do feel like my effort is paying off in the classroom. It's just...a lot of effort. But, most of the time, I do feel that this is a worthy achievement to sacrifice a year of my social life for. I eschew the martyrdom that is sometimes associated with teaching, but I think it can be worthwhile to give up much of yourself in order to master difficult skill, in any arena.



To get back into a positive mindset, I'm scaling work back as far as possible this week. I'm not going to feel guilty for doing the bare minimum or planning lessons the night before instead of a week ahead of time.

I'm also going to take stock in the fact that what I consider the bare minimum this year is still better than almost any day last year! This is actually the crux of the matter: I'm being crushed by my workload because I'm trying to do too much. I really have full responsibility for the burn-out I've been feeling. Here's what I'm trying to make from scratch every week:

1. 4 lesson plans for Elementary Algebra, Geometry, and Precalculus
   
2. 4 guided notes for Elementary Algebra
3. 4 homeworks for Elementary Algebra and Geometry
   
4. Quiz questions (3 level 1 questions, level 1 remediation questions, 3 level 2 questions, level 2 remediation questions, and a cool level 3 question) for Algebra, Geometry, and Precalclulus.

Also, I grade stuff sometimes. Absolutely no one asked me to do any of this, and the administration is only barely aware of it anyway. However, it has made all the difference in my instruction. As put off as I am by the endless work, I am in love with they way I am running my classes. I really must write a post about the success I've been enjoying with guided notes and quizzes.

So the true story is that even though I have so much work that I fantasize about quitting, I haven't even considered letting go of some of the work I've chosen for myself. Everything is coming together so well, and I'll be able to reuse it all next year. Sometimes, as in my post, I doubt that the investment of time I'm making now will be worth it - but most of the time I realize it will be, even if I'm not happy about it. The challenge is keeping my eye on the long term and not wallowing in the stress of getting through each day.

Thanks again for all the support. I am amazed and inspired by all of you who have gone through this, and stayed the course.

It only took 6 weeks to get to my first Big Crisis Moment of the year.

I haven't been posting since the school year started, because I've been "busy", which for me is just code for "I've made a mess of my work schedule since day one and it's only gotten worse from there". I have chronic work/anxiety issues, and a lot of bad habits that have consistently prevented me from having any kind of guilt-free free time. I really wish I had friends to go to for support with these problems, but the Catch-22 is that I would need some free time in order to make friends in the first place. I sometimes consider seeking professional help, but my problems are just so...mundane, and I can't justify the expense. Then occasionally I think I should just blare my problems and doubts on twitter or the blogosphere, but honestly, you all just seem so well-balanced, that when I'm considering quitting because I'm just too damn lazy and undisciplined to do this job, I just don't feel comfortable asking for advice, especially since I haven't formed the kind of relationships that earn that kind of "shoulder to cry on" support. Everyone out there seems so full of love for the students and the job that it carries them through the long hours, but it hasn't been enough for me to break out of the vicious cycle of frantic work and procrastination I've been stuck in since first grade. I am really starting to think that I will never change - that I will always be stressed out and throwing things together at the last minute, and wasting all of my evenings and weekends procrastinating and hating myself for it rather than having a life.

Honestly: screw this. I am just not cut out for it. I need a job where when I'm not at work, I'M NOT AT WORK, or I may as well resign myself to a lifetime of remorseful all-nighters like this one. It's too bad too, because otherwise I really love teaching, and pretty much can't imagine doing anything else.

I know the beginning of the year is always chaos, but really...

From an email from the Associate Head of School:

So, the confusing bottom line is that you will either know or not know in advance of a test [of the fire alarms] that may happen around 9:00 am or at some other time in the morning,

Developing Good Habits

I never really developed good habits as a student. It was just never necessary. I got by perfectly well doing things late at night the day before they were due. That changed last year for me. Teaching just does not allow for that level of procrastination. When you have over 24hrs of work due tomorrow, you are in big trouble. However, I was so overwhelmed I never did get into the swing of things workloadwise; I just worked late when I had to and tried not to think about it the rest of the time. Needless to say, this is not my ideal work situation.

So one of my major goals for this year is to develop a really solid routine with work, so I can actually have time in the evening to relax, free from the guilt of mounds of grading and planning. I had some excellent success setting up good work habits this summer, and I'm putting them into practice again as I start the school year. Here's some guidelines I've learned to follow.

Track your progress: Can you imagine dieting without checking your weight? You need some sort of feedback on your efforts to stay motivated. I actually rate my success at sticking to my planned work routines by a very specific rubric, and keep all the data on an excel spreadsheet. It can seem obsessive, but whenever I blow an afternoon off, just looking back at all my progress convinces me to keep trying.

Start small: It's overwhelming to take on a whole new routine at once, which makes it too likely that you'll just give up. I learned this the hard way; my inclination is to totally redefine my lifestyle every few months. But by just trying to add one ridiculously simple change at a time, I've been able to make better lasting progress. Currently I'm just trying to get up early, go to sleep early, and plan Algebra in the morning.

Set specific goals: I used to say things like "From now on, I'm going to finish my work on time". This is too big, too vague, and doesn't provide satisfaction unless I'm totally on schedule. I've had much better luck committing to things like "I'm going to start working on my Precalculus plans by 9am on Saturday mornings."



I'm trying to work my way up to a completely regimented weekly routine, which for some reason I think would provide the greatest peace of mind, but I'd be absolutely thrilled if I could just manage to get my work done before going to bed on a regular basis. I'm curious how much structure other people try it inject in to their workdays. I know a lot of people who are just fine doing what they can when they find time, but for me, actually having a habit of doing work at a given time makes an enormous difference. It's so much simpler to start lesson planning during 8th period when I just know I'm going to do it because that's what I've done in the past 30 8th periods. Good habits can make the battle with your will into an automatic victory. Here's to starting the new year with as many as I can!

P.S. It was my first day of school today! It was chaos, but I loved seeing all my students again.

Back to School Jitters

I know everyone else has been back for weeks by now, but I start school this Wednesday. I was very excited to get back to school earlier in the summer, when I was fleshing out all the shiny new policies and systems I plan to implement. Now that the first day is just around the corner, I instead find myself actively avoiding any thoughts of school out of anxiety. I have had such lofty ambitions, and have designed such complicated schemes, that now I feel destined to fall flat on my face and have it all fall apart. I haven't even started and already I'm sure I'm trying to do too much. Maybe it would be smarter (or saner) to just tear my plans up, teach from the textbook, assess traditionally, and leave work by 4pm. Or maybe, this is just preemptive laziness. Either way, I've invested too much in my ideas not to give them a shot, but I am desperately hoping that this job isn't really as overwhelming as I've made it out to be in my head.

Cool Problem Stockpiling

I've been coming across lots of great problems and materials on the internet recently, but I haven't developed a system for storing my finds in such a way that I can find them again when I need them. I think the ideal online problem-keeper would allow me to save pages to different categories and add notes to pages. It would be wonderful if I could also store problems that weren't from webpages at all, so I could keep all my cool problems in the same place. Is there an easy way to do this? I'm curious what methods other teachers use. I've tried delicious, but I'm not sure what else is out there.